No Spinsters Allowed


What is up with spinsters or old maids? I recognize the term is degrading but I really don’t care because several spinsters have already degraded me and gotten on my nerves.

I won’t beat around the bush here or pull my punches. I am barbaric when it comes to spinsters. I am ruthless, heartless, merciless, and cutthroat.

What the f*ck is wrong with these people? How irritated are they with the world that they have to spread their irritation with as many people as they can? Their beef with themselves is more communicable than swine flu.

A really, really bad case of a spinster dwells in our compound. If I can only kick her out of there, I’d do it anytime without any guilt. I don’t care if she’s old and she’s having a hard time walking. F*ck, that doesn’t give her the right to treat people like they’re filthy rags.

This particular odious old maid only treats rich people as human beings. She somehow has a lesser estimate of the humanity of poor folks like us. Well, screw her dried, old… whatever!

Early Morning Hatefest

She seems to care about my young nephew but that won’t make up for the hell she’s put people through all her torturous stay at our compound. She’s always blasting us away like we’re stealing her mucky telephone. Or she’s gonna stand outside the bathroom and start ranting away like you’re taking forever to take a bath.

So this morning, this spinster extraordinaire opened her annoying mouth once again, talking about how I’m taking too long to finish in the shower.  I got tired of it and yelled at her, “Matuto kang maghintay ha!” (Translated as  “Learn to wait!” but harsher.) I heard her whispering, “Ano daw?” (“What did he say?”) and talking to herself thereafter. Of course she heard me. She was just too shocked to admit to herself that I kicked her *ss.

It’s not the first time it happened. Once, my friend was calling me on her telephone that she proudly proclaims to pay for, and I wasn’t aware that she’s got an extension in her room. When I answered the phone, my friend was talking and so was she. There was a lot of confusion and she opened the door of her room and started yelling at me like I did a goddamn crime. Hatred bubbling out of my pores, I shouted back, “Eh bat ka naninigaw?” (Why are you shouting at me?”). She looked shock and said, “Nagsasalita lang. Masyado kang maramdamin eh.” (I was just talking. You’re too sensitive.”) From then on, that hideous blob of evil learned to stay away from me. Good for her.

Pick Your Fave Spinster Peeve

I mostly got my ugly share of spinsters while studying. The first spinster who became my adviser basically killed all enthusiasm I had left for math. She is so unbelievably terrifying that it’s a wonder how students actually learn from her. She’d yell at us like there’s no tomorrow and as if we’re not fully evolved human beings with abnormally undersized brains. Corporal punishment was also her forte as our palms got ruddy red from her thick ruler.

So that’s basically how I lost all my appetite for math and everything numbers. I can blame that old spinster for taking basic algebra twice in college.

Another spinster climbed out from the depths of hell and terrified me when I was in Grade 5 or 6. I don’t understand what is it with spinsters and math, but they do seem to come in a package. This particular spinster/math teacher was so terrible that if she deemed that we’re too noisy, she’d make us stand outside in the heat of the sun with our mouths open while looking up at the sky. F*CK.

Where the hell did our human rights go? Don’t they normally put these wackos in jail? And she’s religious, too! When we’re not studying math while we’re all stiff with fear, she’s shoving Jesus into our brains. Jesus! No cupboard in heaven is reserved for your lodging, spinster.

Then in college, I had this spinster professor in a Sociology class. If you’re still not convinced spinsters are pure evil, this one literally made the class cry. They cried! Tears streaming down their faces like they attended some sort of painful initiation rite! She’d shame my classmates in front of the class like they don’t know a single thing they’re talking about. She even embarrassed me in front of the class for going to the bathroom. I told her the room was cold, so I had to take those bathroom breaks.

So one time, she made one of my classmates cry in front of the class, a great friend of mine, and that was it for me. I went to her room at the faculty center and told her that I quit her awful subject. When she asked why, I told her “Eh pinapaiyak nyo na yung mga kaklase ko eh. Hindi pwede yun. Meron kayong paraan ng pagsasalita na iba eh. Masakit eh.” (“You’re already making my classmates cry, and that’s not fine. You have a way of speaking that is hurtful to others.”) After that talk, she humbled down and told me she actually didn’t want to teach that subject anymore, but she had no choice because no one else would take it up. Then she asked me when I’ll take the subject again. I told her I could take it up next semester where I may have no choice but to be her student again. Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

SO TO ALL SPINSTERS: I know that not all of you act like dark critters of hell, so to the good ones, thank you for existing. Sadly, I haven’t seen you and I would be glad to meet you one day.

To those who have joined the dark side and who’ve become as hopelessly malevolent as Darth Vader, please, stay away from me because getting mad is stressful. Stay away from the rest of society, for that matter, because the world is already messed up as it is. Don’t add to the problem or we might lobby for forced marriages for all you folks.

9 thoughts on “No Spinsters Allowed

  1. Hahaha. 🙂 Buti nalang wala akong auntie na matandang dalaga. So far. 😀 Pero marami akong teachers na ganun, at badtrip talaga, parang lagi silang galit sa mundo. Tsaka nadisturb ako sa picture. Pag matandang dalaga kasi, ang pumapasok sa isip ko e payat na matanda. Pag matabang matanda kasi, I remember my dear grandma. Hehe.

  2. Ako yung mga nakakaaway ko laging matatandang matataba na galit sa daigdig. Hahaha.

  3. this reminds of haruki murakami’s “a poor aunt’s story”

    1. Hi, may. 🙂 I haven’t read that book. Very interesting, though. I might check it out in the future. Thanks. 😀

  4. lol, sa HR maraming spinsters. lol

    similarly spinsters are as annoying as hell kasi kulang sila ng “makamundong pagibig” 😛

    1. Oo nga. Love is a way to tame the soul. Kaya ang mga spinsters wild eh. Ferocious. Gustong mangagat. Dapat lagyan ng busal. Joke. 😀

  5. Totoo. Kulang lang sila sa sex. Wahahahaha. :)) Naku, biro lang po. Baka tumanda akong dalaga! (Well at least I think kahit tumanda akong dalaga, hindi ako magkukulang sa kahit ano, hahaha, chareng!)

    1. May mga matatanda naman nagse-sex ah. Hahahaha. Yaakkk! 😀

      1. Tapos kulukulubot noh? Ewwww. TMI!

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