She says that it’s too general and I know that it’s too generic but when everything gets too messed up, all I can tell her is that I love her very, very much.
Chemae and I have been together for a year — more than a year. If anybody’s wondering how did that year go, all I can say is that it was stunningly beautiful.
You know when you’re watching a really good film, and all of a sudden it ends, and you’re almost stomping your feet because you want more but the credits are already rolling? That’s how good it was, except it’s not yet at an end.
It’s not ending, but what’s frustrating is that I failed yet again to appreciate something so amazing as an anniversary with the girl of my dreams. I don’t think anything can make up for it, just like my many mistakes in the past. This is probably the reason why I love the “Back to the Future” series so much because there are many things I would like to change in the past. Not like Chemae — she never regrets anything. She lives to conquer the present.
Again, I’m pondering Chemae who’s out there in another part of the country, snorkeling while having a fever. Just one of the thousand crazy things she does, like fall in love with someone like me.
One of my friends correctly said that my whole blog is all about Chemae, and it is. This was created because the moment she stepped into my life, there was too much to say and express that I couldn’t possibly tell her. My blog is a tribute to the one girl who made me live, the one girl who made me believe anything’s possible, the one girl who, I think, truly loved me in all of my disgusting egoistic glory.
This blog is also a tribute to the million aspects of our relationship. It talks about the cheesy and dark things alike. I’ll admit more entries here are about jealousy and anger, but that’s because I find it easier to write in sorrow. Still, that isn’t enough reason to even suggest that Chemae and I had a bad year one. If anybody’s wondering if we’re still “going strong,” let me make it clear that we are. We’re so strong that almost everything I do revolves around this girl who once spoke with me on a broken bench. All my current aims and plans are pegged on the desire to be with her even as our day of reckoning draws near. And luckily for me, she seems to have my memory in a special box near her heart, too.
Our strength is not built however, upon rose petals, dolls, perfumes, chocolates, clouds, and all the brightest things in life. The more I look at it, the more it becomes clear that it is built upon alcohol, sleepless nights, piles of “sorry” letters, tears, and even bloody scratches.
It was every bit as hard as I imagined it to be when I thought about our differences a long time ago. What caught me unaware was how good it was. Good is too tame a word. When Chemae and I are having a good time, we’re having an unbelievably fantastic and spectacular time. Sometimes, when I’m hugging her, I feel like all the chapters in my life had already closed, and all the storylines, irrelevant and significant, had all joined together into one final paragraph, and this otherwise mediocre novel of a life had already achieved its purpose, just there, hugging the girl I’ve always wanted.
I may forget things and anger may consume me from time to time, but I know in my heart, I’ll always come back to her. There is no doubt that when I’m already walking the streets alone and sleeping in my bed alone, turning from side to side all night long, I’ll always decide to return to her, begging for just another shot at our dreams.
Because there’s just simply no way to forget all the things we’ve shared: from the numerous times we snuck out of the office to talk and stare kind of blankly at each other over coffee, to the beaches our wet feet walked on; from the stories, philosophies, nonsense, and dreams we’ve told each other, to the hurtful stuff we’ve heard from both our lips; from her friends to my friends; from my parents to hers. This thing we’ve forged is so beautiful, I don’t know any artist who could possibly create one even if god himself used his hands.
But what am I saying? Again, I’m just rambling away, just rambling away…
I can’t put my finger on what I’d like to say although my heart knows it for sure.
My heart knows that
I want her to stay in my life.
I want her to be the happiest girl in Quezon City and in Vancouver and in the whole world.
I want her to realize just how mesmerizing she is.
I want to tell her that I’m grateful for every moment she picks my pores like a dermatologist;
Every morning she moves a little bit under the sheets when I slide the door open and shout “Wakey! Wakey!”
I want her to know that I love it that she’s the best noodle-eater I’ve ever known;
And absolutely the best fashion critic.
I want to tell her that she doesn’t have to have the most perfect body to turn heads because she’s already oozing with sexiness and charisma.
I want to tell her that it doesn’t matter what she does, whether typing an article, moderating an SEO forum, or taking orders from a McDonald’s or Starbucks in Canada — she’ll always be amazing to me.
I want her to know that I’ll be there for her, so she needs to wait for me.
I want everyone to know that even if the world sees her as a black-sheep rebel, she’s basically a goofy little girl who makes the funniest faces and dances the most ridiculous dances.
I want everyone to know that her heart is bigger than most religious folks I know.
And her stories are innumerable and colorful, like a chapter from Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s books.
Her blog is so painful and realistic that life kicks you in the butt when you read it. And then you gain a little perspective and live a little livelier once you’ve finished reading one of her posts.
Her patience and understanding would take years for me to develop.
Her determination is something you and I could only dream of.
Her passion to travel around the world and experience cultures is adorable — I wish I had it.
Her kiss kills — in a good way.
And basically, quite generically, she is a miracle of a girlfriend to have.
Nothing I say here in this article and in this blog will make up for my mistakes. I’m writing this, not because I want to patch things up, but because I desire to — just because generally and generically, I love Chemae so much.
To Chemae: Happy Anniversary! Please get well. Let’s throw out the beer, the fried chicken, and everything bad for our health we’ve experienced these past few days. I miss you and I love you.