Forgot your wallet at home, stepped on a sizeable pile of fresh dog shit, or just received a beautifully poetic break-up text from your girlfriend you worked so hard to keep today? Hatred bubbling out of your pores? Feel like a dead cockroach on the sidewalk wanting to take revenge on the whole galaxy?
Anger is not meant to be kept inside that cold, steel heart of yours. Anger is a highly flammable gas that will incinerate everything in your soul if you allow it to build up. I know because I’m a mad angry man myself when anger ignites inside of me. If you feel like blue flames can come shooting out of your nostrils any second now, try to simmer down and let this be your guide on how to explode without doing irreparable damage to yourself and your property.
Step 1: Take deep regular breaths.
Step 2: Appreciate that glorious biological and philosophical fact that you are “breathing.” When you stop appreciating this simple phenomenon, you start to regard less of other people’s “breathing,” too. This leads to dirty thoughts of stopping your enemies from breathing, which could be amusing at first, but will certainly lead you inside a jail if you act your fantasy out. Think this: “I feel good when I breathe, so other people must also feel good when they breathe. I wouldn’t want anyone to strangle my neck and stop me from breathing, so why should I attempt that on others?”
Step 3: Shadow-box. Go to the bathroom, lock yourself inside a cubicle and just make a punching bag of the air. This will give you a sense of empowerment because anger usually comes from a feeling of being powerless. Since you’re in front of a toilet bowl, take the opportunity to dump a lot of crap — I’m talking about all the dung you can muster to push out in one sitting. Cleaning the large intestines helps clear up the mind.
Step 4: Stop blaming the world. Man up. Recognize that the world smiles at you when you smile at it, and it smacks your head against concrete when you give it the finger. This could be hard for you, but try to find your own faults. I mean, come on, do you really expect you’re completely right in this issue you’re dealing with? Grow up, ditch that fake red blanket tied around your neck and throw away that silly blue, gay-ass costume you’re wearing with a humongous S logo on the front. Stop being invincible and god-like. If you’re going to point fingers, point two of them: one at the world, and the other at your own nose.
Step 5: Blame your parents. Since we’re in the topic of blaming, I say, if you’re just trying to find the Palpatine to your evil angry heart and deluge of troubles, blame your parents. Your parents are at fault here more than you consciously know. Psychologists will tell you human beings are most impressionable in their childhood. So if your papa used to beat you up with the first thing his hand grasped (a hairbrush or a toilet plunger), that would have made permanent scars on the soft noodle in your cranium. If your parents used to deprive you of attention, you might turn a kleptomaniac as that guy on TV yesterday. So sit in a corner and start remembering what your parents did to you. Chances are, they’re really pulling the strings here from their relaxing spot in heaven (or hell). Continue reading