Forgot your wallet at home, stepped on a sizeable pile of fresh dog shit, or just received a beautifully poetic break-up text from your girlfriend you worked so hard to keep today? Hatred bubbling out of your pores? Feel like a dead cockroach on the sidewalk wanting to take revenge on the whole galaxy?
Anger is not meant to be kept inside that cold, steel heart of yours. Anger is a highly flammable gas that will incinerate everything in your soul if you allow it to build up. I know because I’m a mad angry man myself when anger ignites inside of me. If you feel like blue flames can come shooting out of your nostrils any second now, try to simmer down and let this be your guide on how to explode without doing irreparable damage to yourself and your property.
Step 1: Take deep regular breaths.
Step 2: Appreciate that glorious biological and philosophical fact that you are “breathing.” When you stop appreciating this simple phenomenon, you start to regard less of other people’s “breathing,” too. This leads to dirty thoughts of stopping your enemies from breathing, which could be amusing at first, but will certainly lead you inside a jail if you act your fantasy out. Think this: “I feel good when I breathe, so other people must also feel good when they breathe. I wouldn’t want anyone to strangle my neck and stop me from breathing, so why should I attempt that on others?”
Step 3: Shadow-box. Go to the bathroom, lock yourself inside a cubicle and just make a punching bag of the air. This will give you a sense of empowerment because anger usually comes from a feeling of being powerless. Since you’re in front of a toilet bowl, take the opportunity to dump a lot of crap — I’m talking about all the dung you can muster to push out in one sitting. Cleaning the large intestines helps clear up the mind.
Step 4: Stop blaming the world. Man up. Recognize that the world smiles at you when you smile at it, and it smacks your head against concrete when you give it the finger. This could be hard for you, but try to find your own faults. I mean, come on, do you really expect you’re completely right in this issue you’re dealing with? Grow up, ditch that fake red blanket tied around your neck and throw away that silly blue, gay-ass costume you’re wearing with a humongous S logo on the front. Stop being invincible and god-like. If you’re going to point fingers, point two of them: one at the world, and the other at your own nose.
Step 5: Blame your parents. Since we’re in the topic of blaming, I say, if you’re just trying to find the Palpatine to your evil angry heart and deluge of troubles, blame your parents. Your parents are at fault here more than you consciously know. Psychologists will tell you human beings are most impressionable in their childhood. So if your papa used to beat you up with the first thing his hand grasped (a hairbrush or a toilet plunger), that would have made permanent scars on the soft noodle in your cranium. If your parents used to deprive you of attention, you might turn a kleptomaniac as that guy on TV yesterday. So sit in a corner and start remembering what your parents did to you. Chances are, they’re really pulling the strings here from their relaxing spot in heaven (or hell).
Step 6: Jack off. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, masturbation is the magic pill to kill your anger. Get a hand lotion and just whack that organ off until it spews out that white, sticky anger. It’s not recommended to do this too regularly though, because you might get addicted and stunt your own sexual growth. Which is why it’s better to…
Step 7: GTFO of your comfort zone and pursue someone. Look at your facebook wall for just a few minutes. If they’re filled with anonymous romantic messages to someone who’s not mentioned or tagged, then you are a certified rotting loser. What? You think your dream girl or guy will search for you specifically from her 500 plus friends and start scrolling down your hideous excuse for an fb wall? Grow up! Instead of thinking of new wacky things to say, which unconcerned people are just going to comment on without any significant results, go out there and make the moves on someone. Tell him or her your feelings. Like I said before, anger usually comes from a feeling of powerlessness. Have the balls to say “I like you” or “I love you” to the object of your wet dreams face-to-face and you’ll feel more empowered.
Step 8: Get over yourself. Oftentimes, pride is the wind that keeps the fire of anger burning. Pride comes from a misconception about yourself: that you are somehow better than everyone else. This one takes multifarious forms: you think you’re prettier than all your boyfriend’s exes, you’re more intelligent than all your high school classmates (who are noticeably cooler than you right now), you’re richer, you live in a goddamn foreign country, which is better than someone else’s country, you’re hotter says your mediocre-to-ugly looking close friends, you’re just inexplicably better than all other members of the species homo sapiens. Get a needle and puncture that head as big as a hot-air balloon for me. You and I both know there’s a weeping loser inside of you crying for your mama because you’re tired of being butt-sexed by people everyday. It’s time to accept that essential part of you by going down on your knees and hugging yourself like a total nutcase. Crack your rusty pride and your anger should follow.
Step 9: Confront the object of your hate, face-to-face. No ifs ands or buts here. You can’t chat, e-mail, gossip or text-barrage your way to ridding yourself of destructive anger. If you’re planning on addressing someone, do it face-to-face, so you can both see each other as human beings who have a capacity for breathing. (IMPORTANT: DO NOT BRING ANY WEAPON OR ANYTHING THAT CAN BE USED AS A WEAPON; EX. PENS, UMBRELLAS, ROLLING PINS, TOXIC RAT PELLETS, ETC.) Come in peace but prepare to argue your case to the death, just in case. The key here is diplomacy because once you start doing it the Bush way and you bring bombs and tanks on the table, rest assured blood will spill on both sides for a long, long time. Act like the rational person that you are and face your foe with a huge bag of reasonable reasons. If you’re right, then that will become apparent on its own through dialogue, not through a costly skirmish.
Step 10: Hang yourself. Of course, sometimes, diplomacy just won’t do, especially to a soul so completely ravaged by tire tracks and people’s heavy footsteps. If you’re that kind of person who seeks an eye for an eye and out for blood literally, then I suggest a noose — for yourself. Doing harm or attempting to murder someone else will only make your pathetic life more miserable. You will be caught and spend the rest of your life in jail, providing a fresh, tight ass hole to your drooling cell mates. Think again if you think going out of your way to physically hurt someone is worth the recoil. If you’re still hell-bent on violence after carefully considering the darkness that awaits you, then you better just take out that anger on yourself instead of on someone else. This way, you can end the pain quicker and you won’t have to worry about shitting blood in a stinky prison bathroom in the future.
I wish you luck in purging yourself of that emotion creaming your heart of darkness right now. Remember: the key is to stop being a sore loser. Discover what’s good in you and the world just might discover why you’re worth its precious attention.
“The anthropologists among the criminologists tell us that the typical criminal is ugly: monstrum in fronte, monstrum in animo. [“monster in face, monster in soul”]”
–Friedrich Nietzsche, “Twilight of the Idols”
Angry, Criminal, Ugly — Don’t ever let this set of words refer to you.