Seen any film crew and cameras around lately? Bet you haven’t. ‘Cause you’re not an actor and life is not a Hollywood flick.
Oftentimes, I feel like we’ve seen too many opening credits, heard too many dramatic dialogues and sat through too many action sequences that we have unconsciously imbibed this notion that our lives are screened in a packed theater. You have people who sound like they are overcoming their weaknesses everyday in an epic struggle to win against their evil shadows from the depths of their hearts and consciousness. There are girls who make a career out of sounding like a damsel in distress, waiting for Richard Gere to climb the ladder like a knight; and cynics who virtually walk around with banners draped around their necks saying, “Cynic who Hates the World but Who Knows the Truth; Prince Charming in Disguise.”
This unconscious belief that we’re all actors in the big screen wouldn’t be so annoying if people didn’t always whine for a happy ending. Problem is, everyone wants to be a wounded hero or a locked up princess in their own farcical way. Everyone is unconsciously assuming a stereotypical personality, spewing the same old cliche to look good and attain an instant identity.
The following observations from a stereotypical writer might help us actors wake up from our tinsel-tainted dreams:
– Being mean isn’t always cool and sassy. It’s usually rude and makes people want to punch your face.
– It’s not pleasant to hear the ear-splitting groans of a tortured grown man in love. Always check yourself for unconscious Facebook spamming.
– 95% of people have already realized your realizations and their lives didn’t change one bit.
– Love is definitely a massive issue, but it’s not everything. For instance, the impending violent explosion of Taal Volcano and the fare hike have nothing to do with your tearful and bloody attempts at chasing the woman of your dreams. So please, stop talking like Joe D’ Mango.
– People usually understand you despite your repeated whining that “They don’t understand me.” It’s not like we can’t read and decipher words strung to each other in the English or Filipino language.
– The world is not divided into good and evil. And if you think you’re playing for the good side, Jesus may have a different opinion. Give all your possessions to people in need, then we’ll talk.
– The world is not divided into good and evil. And if you think you’re playing for the evil side, you’re nowhere near as evil as the guy who tried to blow up Times Square and kill or injure as many innocent people as he can. I’ll bet all my money you’re just an attention-deprived bloke who frequently listens to death metal and smokes like a garbage incineration plant. You’re not as black as the sheep you think you are.
– Listening to rock doesn’t make you different. Be a fan of April Boy Regino then we’ll talk.
– Being different doesn’t make you special these days; unless you’re like the Chinese guy on YouTube who plays the Super Mario Bros. theme on his violin.
– Keeping yourself “busy” and surrounded with friends doesn’t hide the fact that you failed big time a month ago.
– Capturing everything on your DSLR camera doesn’t necessary make you artistic. Most of the time, it just means you can afford a DSLR camera.
– Most songs — even the most uncannily perfect ones for your life — are not made for you. They are usually made for profit so the songwriters can feed their families.
– Sweet guys are basically horny. They want to look like teary eyed puppies because they want to fuck your brains out.
– Living abroad? You’re not Captain John Smith and we’re not Pocahontas. We’re not gonna spread our legs when you come home because you speak english fluently and use green paper bills.
– The outspoken gay doesn’t always speak the truth. Oftentimes, he’s just loud.
– The unshaven man isn’t always prince charming who’s just lazy to use the blade. Oftentimes, he just doesn’t like the way his chubby chin and cheeks look when they’re bare.
– The good-looking guy doesn’t always smell like innumerable spring flowers in full bloom.
– The rock star doesn’t know any better in life than the rest of us. He just sings better.
– The writer doesn’t know any better in life than the rest of us. He just likes to divert his neurosis to his fingers.
– Being rich doesn’t make you unloved and therefore doesn’t give you the right to act like an asshole.
– Being poor doesn’t make you right.
– Being fat doesn’t automatically make you a loser. Guys generally love big boobs more than the sharp bones of anorexic women.
– English language is not equal to knowledge or wisdom.
– Politics is not the exclusive realm of the intellectual. It’s basically the realm of people who are entertained by politics like you are probably entertained by “Glee” or “Momay.”
– Do not expect guys to be like your favorite actor. An actor’s role is based on a script written by a writer driven by profit. The real guy behind the actor is probably a slobby fellow who’s got a thing for MILFs and cougars.
– Do not expect girls to be like your favorite actress. An actress is patterned after the formula that sells: long, straight hair, fair skin, funny, eccentric but loves deeply and cries like a baby. The real gal behind the actress is probably a chain smoker and a Twilight fan.
– Losing someone doesn’t make you an enlightened Buddha.
– Exacting “painful” revenge through blogs is as effective and scientific as piercing a voodoo ragdoll with needles.
– Exes are not brainless buffoons, nor are they evil Yakuza bosses.
– Your breakup doesn’t shake the entire world, burning your feathers with green and blue flames, turning you into a magnificent phoenix who lives life anew. It’s just another breakup in 20 other breakups in your life.
– Work is not that bad. It is oftentimes as mildly interesting as your daily dose of telenovela and “Wowowee.” It even pays unlike your art.
– Art is not always liberating. It can also be frustrating as hell.
– Not all of us are artists, just like not all of us are doctors. If you can only draw stick figures or shoot photographs like my 10-year-old cousin, you’re most likely just an ordinary guy.
– Drinking beer doesn’t make you a rebel without a cause. Not even taking drugs. Spray-paint the slow MRT trains, then we’ll talk.
– The colors sepia and black and white are not instant tear-jerkers.
– Hating on the government is not the same as intelligently criticizing the government and offering better alternatives.
– Most likely, you’re as much a rebel and an anarchist as I am if you’re working in Ortigas, Eastwood or Makati.
– Don’t play with the words “ploretaliat,” “class struggle” and “communism” when you’re not sure how much blood is at stake.
– People may not give a damn even if you sing in the videoke room, crying the Amazon river.
– Not everyone loves kids, puppies, cats and stuffed animals, so these objects don’t automatically make you “cute.” Take a picture beside a capybara in its natural habitat then people will really look.
– Wit can be copy-pasted from the Internet.
– Wisecracking is not a philosophy.
– A lot of indie films are independently produced crap.
– Living a “new” life doesn’t entail working for a different company.
– Living a “new” life doesn’t involve moving to another country.
– Living a “new” life doesn’t require breaking up with a friend of a friend and dating another friend of a friend.
– Living a “new” life is not equal to practicing a new religion, digging a new musical genre, finishing a self-help book, or hanging out with a new set of friends.
– You won’t bump into the perfect girl in the middle of a busy street. Statistically speaking, there are more hot, wealthy, and educated girls in bars than in the middle of a busy street.
– Climbing the tallest mountains and traveling to the farthest places are basically geographic journeys only. Thus, reaching the peak of the Hallelujah Mountains or reaching El Dorado don’t bring your ex back or make you a more emotionally stable fellow.
– The beach is not a cure for mid-life crisis.
– A happy ending might never come if you don’t move your ass.
~ END ~
(NOTE: This writer is also an actor playing the rehashed role of a guy who thinks writing lengthy stuff like this will save the world from mediocrity and stop him from reaching 25 years of age without having achieved anything significant).