Monthly Archives: September 2010
When I thought about it, I realized it was not about spending money and acquiring fancy gadgets to flick open in the middle of a crowd. It was simply about having a ridiculous stash of cash somewhere and knowing you have a ridiculous stash of cash somewhere.
It was about wanting the means, not the end.
I almost wrote “I was reduced to this” next. But how can I say I was “reduced” to it? How can wanting a ridiculous stash of cash be a reduction, some sort of backward evolution of a person? After all, this is a capitalist world and we should only expect the most obedient students of the system to receive the most rewards. Why, if capitalism is currently the most advanced mode of production, isn’t the man who exercises the most control over the system the most evolved form of the human species?
This is all babble, of course. I’m merely saying I shouldn’t be hated by wanting more this time — more money. Tuck it in my wallet, store the value in a bank’s database, hide it in a safe, drop it in a piggy bank — I don’t care where you stack it. All I want to know is that it’s mine and it’s growing. Continue reading
For me, the long road to catch up with Chemae starts with overcoming literal roads made of concrete. I’ve recently taken up my father’s sport which I had reviled before just because of its unsightly look: sweaty men with their oversized thigh and butt muscles bulging through their super short shorts. Some find it sexy. I think it’s dreadfully icky.
You guessed right. I’m into running.
Saying No to Snot
As a premature child just 6 months old when I came crawling out of my mom in the wrong position (that is, I wasn’t upside down like most infants), I unfortunately got more than my fair share of congenital ill luck. Aside from the obvious physical deformity, my entire physiological system is basically as messy and as compromised as a public bathroom. Compared to the boys in elementary, I was just weak, which is why I made sure I kicked all their healthy asses in the brains division. After years of futile struggle at being healthy, I’m still continuing to suffer the damn effects of my incorrect development and birth.
One of the most screwed-up things in my body is my cardiovascular system. It’s so poor that never does a month pass by without me having another viral infection, resulting in a handkerchief oozing with snot. The worst days were when I get to fill 2 hankies with dripping, finger-binding snot.
Words about love have a penchant for evoking the epic in us; perhaps because all our lives, we’ve listened to ’80s love songs on the radio and watched crazy romantic comedies that showed us how amazingly vaudevillian love can be. Sweet messages and heartfelt promises always stroke us the right way, and we wish to fall for someone madly, deeply.
I start with this because I have come to appreciate people’s admiration for my love for Chemae expressed in a torrent of words. I’m not sure if it is proper but I do thank those who click the “like” button on facebook whenever I say something cheesy. It’s a good feeling when people actually sympathize with my ramblings splattered all over her facebook wall and my facebook wall, her blog and mine. I’ve probably expressed my feelings in every nook and cranny of cyberspace for everyone to see.
Never did I mean all that to be a spectacle, of course. If some people found it to be too distracting, mushy or gaudy, I’m sorry but it’s for them to click the X on the upper right hand corner because my love on the Web is staying.
It’s everywhere I look when I turn on my computer but the object of that love is gone now.
Incredible how some 10 or so blog posts ago, I was anticipating a certain plane to arrive and carry her across the skies out of my reach. And now, at this very moment, 6:17 PM here in Manila, she’s aboard that plane I have imagined for almost two years. However you look at it, Chemae has finally left me.
But I’m afraid the only thing I can do is keep on blabbering about her. More thoughts of yearning to be with her will coalesce into letters, and letters will unite to form words, and a string of words will continue to unroll from my fingertips. Nothing can stop me.
I say this to warn everybody of the epic things I’m going to be spewing in the next weeks, months — or years. Unfortunately, those who may be sick of me or us cannot pull off anything to stop this madness I’ve rationally decided upon to continue. I can only hope that there are people out there who will still understand the need for my words to rain down upon everything.
I understand some people like to keep their love hidden from the crowd; but over the course of my relationship with Chemae, I found that mine simply cannot just lock itself up in my mind.
It’s as if I can only love her through a spectacle of words. But I shouldn’t even be wondering out loud about that for she has always been the brightest star of my life.