When I thought about it, I realized it was not about spending money and acquiring fancy gadgets to flick open in the middle of a crowd. It was simply about having a ridiculous stash of cash somewhere and knowing you have a ridiculous stash of cash somewhere.
It was about wanting the means, not the end.
I almost wrote “I was reduced to this” next. But how can I say I was “reduced” to it? How can wanting a ridiculous stash of cash be a reduction, some sort of backward evolution of a person? After all, this is a capitalist world and we should only expect the most obedient students of the system to receive the most rewards. Why, if capitalism is currently the most advanced mode of production, isn’t the man who exercises the most control over the system the most evolved form of the human species?
This is all babble, of course. I’m merely saying I shouldn’t be hated by wanting more this time — more money. Tuck it in my wallet, store the value in a bank’s database, hide it in a safe, drop it in a piggy bank — I don’t care where you stack it. All I want to know is that it’s mine and it’s growing.
Greed or ambition? To me, at least, ambition without greed is impossible. The vice versa may not be true. Greed is like a self-perpetuating force.
See, I got to get out. I have to break out of this old, musty cell I’ve been locked up in since the beginning. I need to go somewhere far away from here and the only fuel I know that is going to get me a safe distance away is money.
Marx said that men’s ties with one another have been replaced with money in the capitalist system. I can’t agree more. Money is the bridge from point A to point B, the only way to get across, to do and to be. Everything else comes forth from money: food, memories, the power to speak and be heard, religion, advocacy, knowledge, feelings. We can try to fool ourselves and say money can’t buy everything; but the fact is, everything that money can’t buy is not worth it in the first place and will probably perish soon without financial sustenance.
Even responsibilities are only possible when one has a chance of making money. Men who have lost it and who have nothing don’t have responsibilities. They are excused from any form of obligation.
But I have responsibilities because I can make money. People annex to me for I have the capacity to breathe life on myself and others. I can be like god in my own little way just because I am an active part of the capitalist system. And because of this, I cannot fail. I cannot break people’s hearts just because I am tired of working or being a guinea pig for pellets.
In fact, I can clearly see it now. The only way to fulfill my duties, my existence is to accumulate so much money that my own little world will be as I see it in my mind. It’s the only conclusion a man of ambition can arrive at.