Dear Santa Fella

Oh Santa, dear Santa, can I pray to you?
This Christmas–it’s abysmal!
I’m terribly blue.
My face is growing pimply
And it’s hopelessly lonely
Unlike yours that’s always smiling
And my, quite mockingly jolly!

So Santa, you busy man,
Please hear me out!
You have to start listening
Lest I grow some gout.
Oh Santa, dear Santa,
My heart’s in a rout!
But man if I don’t say it
I’ll just be singin’ it loud
And the neighbors, they’ll challenge me
To a mean Christmas bout!

Oh Santa, dear Santa, heed this holiday rant.
The only present I want
You can’t cram in your sack!
See, she’s 5 foot 3
And she’ll take up all the space
But dammit Santa fella
She’s the reason for this craze!

Just bring back my baby
You big, laughing, red ape
Ride to Coquitlam–
That’s in Canada, by the way.
Break through her apartment
(Just use the tools of the trade)
And get her out of there
Onto your sled–not a minute too late!

Her name is Cherry
She has the curliest hair
You cannot possibly miss her
She’s THAT unbelievably fair.
Grab her and go
Ride through the night!
Deliver my sweet baby
Back to my arms!

Back to my arms, back to my arms
Drop the lady beaming!
Oh I’ll kiss her and hug her
No mistletoe needed!
Then Santa, I won’t be
Just another dejected lad
Hoping Christmas ends
And be done with the fad.

Santa, bearded hope, I’ll be expecting
I’ll go maniacal for sure
If I don’t see her next morning
I’ll burn Christmas trees
Curse every bit of snowflake
And you better hide Rudolph
‘Cause I’ll turn him into steak!

Into steak, into steak
That Rudolph will be grilled!
So you may feel, you happy Nicholas
A bit of my grisly Christmas chill.
But don’t be afraid
Things need not get ugly
If you’ll just do your job
And bring me my Cherry baby.

So Santa, merry grandpa,
I hope everything’s clear.
Get your ass going
Give me some Christmas cheer!
I don’t need anything else
Only the girl of my dreams
The girl who used to shower me with love
Year after year after year.

But if you fail, though you’ve tried
Santa, I might take it in stride
Just don’t bring your reindeers
And their tasty reindeer hide
I swear I’ll have mercy,
Santa Claus dear
If, instead of the girl,
You bring me my beer.

4 Comments

Filed under Love, Poems

4 responses to “Dear Santa Fella

  1. rah

    oh, so sweet! 🙂 merry Christmas!

  2. Awww 🙂 Have a beer muna!

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